St. Louis, the Cubs Just Ate Your Nachos. And They’re Not Sorry. MY COLUMN

Lewis Burik

A franchise, fanbase, and a city saw their hopes and dreams disintegrate this week. St. Louis is in ashes. And Theo Epstein lit the match. We walked into Busch Stadium and we took their nachos.

Monday night Addison Russell literally stole a St. Louis man’s nachos. Ran into the stands and kicked them all over his face. Could a fanbase be more beta to a ballclub than Cardinals Nation is to the Chicago Cubs? After we ruined that man’s shirt, evening, and sense of self-worth on Monday night, we began our real destruction of the most overrated city (is this giving St. Louis too much credit? Do people know that St. Louis exists?) in the Midwest.

Wednesday night we took their division. Former Cardinal Ace and current human psychopath John Lackey shoved it down their throat in front of thousands of Cubs fans and hundreds of Cards fans at Busch Stadium. We partied on their field, in their dugout, and in their (what I presume to be horrifying) casinos. We drank their liquor, we stole their women, we tore out their souls.

Thursday evening we ended their season. We trotted out a AAA lineup (Taylor Davis I am NOT sorry) and eliminated the Cards in their own house. In the 9th inning, your do-or-die time, we trotted out a pitcher who is more likely to serve as a diplomat in hopes of de-escalating nuclear tensions on the Korean Peninsula than he is to pitch a meaningful inning in October. And he shut you down. A center fielder who wears #24 made a game-saving play on the biggest stage. It was Leonys Martín. It was not Dexter Fowler. Fowler switched to #25 to piss of St. Louis people who are in love with known cheater Mark McGuire. Dexter Fowler doesn’t make big plays in big games anymore. Dexter Fowler doesn’t play in big games anymore (not the Cardinal Way).

St. Louis we just ate your nachos, and we did it with a smile on our face. Thanks for playing the Cardinal Way. See you in 2018, losers.